friends, lovers, no title necessary

so right now i have an addiction to a television show. im a few seasons behind, because i just got hooked about a week ago. honestly, i love it. THE L WORD- its on showtime. it is just fabulous! though, the main reason may be for the fact that i have a girl crush on Leisha Hailey.


shes just too cute. i love her moments. she reminds me a lot of myself, and i feel that i hardly connect with any tv characters.

the addiction to the show may also be because my relationships with girls, havent been the greatest recently. my girlfriends are off doing their own things anymore, moving away, getting married, hell the true friends i thought i had, i havent had a real conversation with them about anything in about a year.

pathetic.

i just long for that connection that has been a void in my life so recently. when you go from one extreme to absolutely, you wonder what exactly went wrong. was it all my fault? what did i do to deserve this? and most importantly, will i get the chance to see if it will ever go back to how it used to be?

probably not. now i consider myself a realist more so than optimist. is that so bad? i supose when you are turning 22 like myself in a month and really have no one special to share it with, you get a little nostalgic and try to block out past memories that make you feel even more disapointed than before.

driving home the other night, i came to a realization. in order for me to move out of this rut that i am in, i need to move on from the past relationships that tend to bring me down. friends, lovers, no title necessary, and focus on the positive influences that will only bring my happiness to a diffrent light.

do you ever think that a person can be like a drug, there is an addiction to them, you want them, need them, and whenever you are around them its euphoric? im sure most have experianced this with at least one individual at one point in their lifetime. though, when without this drug, you tend to go crazy, needing it even more so than you would like to admit to, thoughts running throughout your mind; having a battle between the left and right side of your brain. a civil war almost, that is never pretty to re-enact.

this drug has been apart of my life for the past 4 years. a quiet addiction, quickly becoming more popular with anyone within a 15 mile radias. future relationships have suffered due to this person, and yet he doesnt know. and he will go on with his life, not ever really knowing the effect that he put on me. the effect that will never escape my body agian. i have to bury it, with hopes that it will never resurect from the dead. i never want to visit it agian.

tomorrow, is my last day with the right one. it will truely be a sad moment for me. in the past 10 months, ive grown so much as a person, concuring many fears of my own. the people that you surround yourself with make such a dilgent inpact on your life, regardless if you want it. Of course you can never pick and choose these indivduals, god had a funny way of sending you signals, teaching you the opsticals so when you are handed them agian, you know the correct way of handling them. i wish everyone the best of luck, and i will miss them all, though only a few i think of fondly.

so i leave you with this fellow readers, friends, whatever.
one day you may think that you have nothing, but dont be alarmed, take a deeper look around you and not only look with your eyes, but your heart. open them wider and you will see that life may be difficult, but it is a blessing.

xO,
Sarah Marie

organization, is a must

So recently, i have done a 360 in my life.
i feel its been about a week, and so much has changed.

-new job. [you are looking at the new coldwell banker real estate rep]
-a puppy!! [meet franklin :)]
-i reorganized everything in my room.
-tried a dating site

all in all, i am really looking forward to this change. ill be done at the right one next week, hate to say it but i feel that i will be a lot more sucessful elsewhere. i loved the experiance that i have had with everyone, there is just something missing in my happiness. its odd. when you know it is time to leave, you know. almost like a feeling deep in the pit of your stomach.

now that i will be working for coldwell banker, i need a part time job elsewhere at a resurant or a bar of some sort. so if anyone knows of anyone hiring... let me know! :) i just need quick cash for me to really keep up to date with bills and such.

going back to work...
ill blog later.

maybe ill fill the void with a puppy.

for me, on of the greatest feelings in life, is to be appriciated.

thanks sarah- for getting that project done asap
thanks sarah- for having a great attitude
thanks sarah- for being the greatest girl out there

etc. [you get the point]

but when you dont get that appriciation, or if it is fake a phony... you have to sit and wonder what are you doing wrong?

i am not worth that two seconds of breath? am i getting fired? do they no longer love me?

my life is filled with voids, pretty much everywhere.

work right now is a dead in. i used to love coming into work everyday, but now its like a chore almost being there for 9 straight hours. i do not get oppurtinities that i deserve and it leaves me broke and without a plan. to top it all off, i have no idea what i should do with the rest of my life, and i refuse to just settle. i wish i could be good at that one thing, and it take me far. [realistically, it wont happen]

my father is another void. i will never be the perfect daughter that he has created in his head. im human, i make mistakes just like everyone else. but he never chooses to accept that. i just wish that for one day, he would just let me be, and not critise everything going wrong in my life and just accept me for what i am.

the love life is a wreck. why is it so difficult to meet someone who you can connect with? last night i went to some bar with my good friend missy. i wanted to take the oppurtnity to see what is out there. and let me tell you, nothing was out there. there were attractive men, though these men were taken or seriously not worth the time. Then there is the only men who were avaliable were 50 years of age and missing teeth. -not at all the type i would find to be intresting.

yesterday however, hannah, carley and i are looking at puppies at a pet store in the mall.
here we found the love of our lives.
this little one was the cutest ever and was so loveable. just the type of dog that i want. now if only i was allowed to get this thing.

i supose ill continue dreaming. just like for everything else.

i am lost in the lust of imagination.

currently, my life revolves around the lives of my memebers. memebers that are part of the best concept of the dating world. i work for a professional dating service, helping those who struggle with finding a mate. no, its not an escort service, its a place where serious singles, meet.

smart idea, because really where do you meet anyone these days? my entire life, i lived, dreaming that by the age of 22 i would be married, or seriously thinking of. Now, being that i am 2 months away from blowing out two big number 2's on a big chocolate cake, i have serious doubts about me living up to that dream. number one reason, being i am not even dating.

how can that be? who knows... i consider myself a catch. i have a lot to give to someone, yet everyone i seem to get involved with, hardly match any criteria a woman like me deserves. Picky, not really. I consider myself more of a realist than anything else.

but if a woman like me can not find someone, i feel sorry for the less unfortionate.

i supose it is my environment holding me back from being successful in a realtionship. where do i find the love of my life? am i going to be the lady that relies on chance her whole life? Am i just going to eventually get lucky? oh no.

sure i can preoccupy myself with the other things in life, like family and friends. But when you really dont have a chance to includ yourself in activities and see your time melt before you eyes, and work is the only thing on your mind, you can see yourself falling into the lonely category.

2:19 am on a thursday morning. id say i am getting there fast.